18 Things I Have Learned About Life in an English Country Village by Watching ‘Midsomer Murders’.

John Nettles and Jason hughes cast from Midsomer Murders television program

DCI Barnaby does NOT mess around.

1. Happiness in a marriage is inversely proportional to the square footage of the house. The bigger the house, the less love in the marriage.

2. Everyone owns a tractor.

3. Although the English Countryside is in a perpetual state of overcast, it actually rains less than three times a year.

4. Shiny lipstick and short hair is code for “I’m sleeping with someone else’s husband”.

5. Serial murders are common and considered part of the local ‘charm’.

6. Hippies are endemic to the English countryside.

7. There are no two-lane roads outside of London.

8. Drunk-driving laws are only enforced when it is necessary to ruin someone’s reputation.

9. The English are hardy people that never get cold. You can often find them sunbathing in overcast weather.

10. Adultery is more common in the English Country Village than cobblestones.

11. There are no parking lots. You are expected to simply stop in the middle of the street and leave your car where it stands.

12. Birds of the English countryside are particularly sensitive to crime. The will sing seconds before someone is murdered, no matter what time of day.

13. Everyone is legally required to own a Jack Russell terrier, Boarder Collie or Labrador Retriever. One out of every three dogs must be named Bosco (although Ripper is an acceptable substitute)

14. All villages are divided into four main factions: the Land Owners, the Devout, the Hippies and The Cynical Heirs That Only Want to Sell Up and Move to London.

15. Everyone has a criminal record from that Summer they lived in Spain.

16. No one is ever so crass as to murder for money.

17. One out of every five women in the village is required to obsess about local history and the fate of their own lineage.

18. Anyone that owns a red sports car must drive as fast as possible while shouting obscenities from the window at all times.