Butts

If you follow me on any of the other social media sites, you’ll know that I lean heavily on the #WTFparenting hashtag.

I sort of have to.

It’s much easier to laugh at the kinder-insanity than worry about it.

You can get irritated and annoyed, or you can admire how much they learn from you on a daily basis. For example, this one is clearly her father’s daughter:

And her mother’s daughter:

She spent a week drawing butts. She got quite good at it.

 

For a five year old, that’s pretty good.

 

Notice how they go from being just regular butts to farting butts. And how eventually, they gain wheels. I had nothing to do with that. That is 100% her.

Like any responsible parent, I pinned this masterpiece to the corkboard in the hallway so I can snicker at it every time I walk past.

Anyway, FIVE YEARS LATER…

I’ve been embroidering kitchen towels and it’s super fun.

This is one of my favorites.

And it hits me. The butts! I’ve been giggling at that masterpiece for five years. Why not?

 


But I LIED! I was sewing butts on stuff. And today, I am proud to present to you my daughter’s artistry, immortalised in variable thread-count. Behold:

Evolution of a Fart on Wheels

Original artwork by W. Pitts.

Fun Size Capitalism

We live in an old farm house. It’s a great house – not too big, not too small. Just the right amount of creepiness in the basement (read: spiders when appropriate but no outlandish noises or squishy spots). We’ve live in this house for almost 10 years. I love this house. It has everything. We have a cupboard that’s right next to the chimney and when it’s wet outside you can hang your coat in there. Within 30 minutes, it’s dry.

We (had) a cold cupboard in the kitchen until a few weeks ago. It kept everything in it abnormally cold – even in the summertime.

We have pumpkins that grow in the garden even though no one planted any and a pair of hummingbirds that live in the lilac tree across from the kitchen window.

What we don’t have, and have never had, are trick-or-treaters. In ten years, I can recall less than three. I still buy Halloween candy every year though because I believe in teaching my children about Capitalism. Specifically, how capitalism applies directly to the Butterfinger candy bars they bring home from Trick-or-treating.

I usually start with a mix of chocolate-based Fun Size candy bars – something heavy on Almond Joys and Milky Ways. This is because Almond Joys are my son’s favorite candy. And I can buy all of his Butterfingers from him for the low cost of 1 Fun Size (FnS) Almond Joy. My daughter doesn’t like Almond Joys. (She doesn’t like Butterfingers either) but every year she tried to corner the market on Almond Joys (or Butterfingers, depending on how brave she’s feeling) in order to trade with her brother for the more sought-after candies like Twix or Kit Kats.

It’s all very convoluted and supply/demand-y but here are my general guidelines for trading Halloween candy. Please note, these only apply to the parent – children are free to trade as they see fit (although I am generally there to moderate):

Full Sized Butterfinger = 3 (FnS) Milky Ways + 2 (FnS) M&Ms + and the right to shove 2 candy bars in your face,  RIGHT NOW, NO QUESTIONS ASKED

(FnS) Butterfinger = 1 (FnS) Milky Way OR 1 (FnS) Almond Joy

1 (FnS) Milky Way = 1 (FnS) Nestle Crunch + 1 (FnS) M&Ms

1 (FnS) Nestle Crunch = 1 Smarties OR 1 Starburst OR 1 (FnS) Snickers

Junior Mints = 1 (FnS) Milky Way

Tootsie Pop/Blow Pop (depending on flavor) = 1 (FnS) Milky Way (any of the red, blue or brown varieties) OR 1 (FnS) Nestle Crunch (anything else)

Banana flavored ANYTHING = (-1) (FnS) Nestle Crunch + severe mocking

THERE ARE NO MOM-TRADES FOR EITHER TWIX OR KIT KATS UNLESS EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES APPLY.**

**Extenuating circumstances = full sized Butterfingers available.

HALLOWEEN JACKPOT

HALLOWEEN JACKPOT

You may note that, this year, 3 Musketeers have been omitted from these dealings. This is because my son ate all available 3 Musketeers before he got home.