Dear Thor Michaelson,

Every day the villain with blue trousers visits my front stoop. Every day i tell him to leave. Every day he insists on leaving potentially dangerous materials through a hole in the front door. I do not approve of this hole and am wondering if you have any suggestions on getting my humans to cover it over?

-Overrun by Blue Pants, Edmonds, WA.

Dear Overrun,

I understand your discomfort in these matters. You will be happy to know there is help. My humans have done away with the mail entirely, preferring instead to have it delivered at something called a post office box, which is as dangerous as it sounds. All of the humans at the post office have blue pants. It is literally the worst place in the world.

If they refuse to switch to a post office box then I suggest you start barking for extended periods of time in the afternoon. I am not sure if it will help but it is worth a try.

Ears up,

THOR MICHAELSON