Butts

If you follow me on any of the other social media sites, you’ll know that I lean heavily on the #WTFparenting hashtag.

I sort of have to.

It’s much easier to laugh at the kinder-insanity than worry about it.

You can get irritated and annoyed, or you can admire how much they learn from you on a daily basis. For example, this one is clearly her father’s daughter:

And her mother’s daughter:

She spent a week drawing butts. She got quite good at it.

 

For a five year old, that’s pretty good.

 

Notice how they go from being just regular butts to farting butts. And how eventually, they gain wheels. I had nothing to do with that. That is 100% her.

Like any responsible parent, I pinned this masterpiece to the corkboard in the hallway so I can snicker at it every time I walk past.

Anyway, FIVE YEARS LATER…

I’ve been embroidering kitchen towels and it’s super fun.

This is one of my favorites.

And it hits me. The butts! I’ve been giggling at that masterpiece for five years. Why not?

 


But I LIED! I was sewing butts on stuff. And today, I am proud to present to you my daughter’s artistry, immortalised in variable thread-count. Behold:

Evolution of a Fart on Wheels

Original artwork by W. Pitts.

Get Behind Me Satan!

Today my son discovered the thrill that is rearranging the furniture in his room. It was incredible. He was so excited about moving everything around that he was actually cleaning his room. It was so great that I escaped to the back porch for a while to continue to strip paint from my latest house project.

In the middle of scraping another layer of toxic sludge I hear a knock at the back door. I was going turn around but my son opened the door and started talking at me so I continued what I was doing.

“Hey mom, I found this really old board game. Do you know anything about it?”

“What’s the name of it?” I said, still not turning around.

“The…Donkey…and the…Carrot? What should I do with it?”

The Donkey and the Carrot? I don’t remember any game called the Donkey and the Carrot. I turn from my paint stripping to see what he’s talking about.

"Mom, this stinks like brimstone."

“This stinks like brimstone. Where do you want me to put it?”

I have no idea where it came from. I’ve never seen that game before. I asked him where he got it.

“I don’t know. It was just in my room.”

Whaa? That ain’t right. Is it? I decided that it was probably something from my husband’s childhood. He’s got a lot of …stuff. You never know with him. I told my kid to put it on the table and I’d ask his dad about it when he got back from the hardware store.

“Dear, have you ever heard of a game called the Donkey and the Carrot?”

“The what now?”

I showed him. He stared blankly at it. Neither of us had ever seen the game before today. My husband held out his hand, a half-hearted attempt to take the box and take over the situation.

I did not hand it over.

“NO,” I said. “You CANNOT OPEN THIS. And for God’s sake don’t play it. Your son just ‘found this’ in his room. He has no idea where it came from. I have no idea where it came from. If you don’t know where it came from then the only other person that could know is his sister. And we both know that she’d never give him anything voluntarily. Clearly this is a plant by an evil demon trying to steal our children away. I’VE SEEN THE EXORCIST. I KNOW HOW THESE THINGS WORK.”

 

EVIL.

You mean “The Donkey and the HUMAN SACRIFICE”?

“Wha!” He said, eyes widening in fear.  “That’s an excellent point. I’m not touching that thing.”

Then we both agreed that the game was entirely evil and that we should get rid of it as soon as possible.

Anybody need an evil board game?

WTF Parenting: The Sweet Burrito Challenge

A few weeks ago, my kid decided she wanted to do something called the Sweet Burrito Challenge. I have a feeling this may have started out as a poorly disguised move designed to secure a burrito made of Nutella, chocolate chips and whipped cream – but that’s not how it went down.

After talking about it for a few days, she finally decided on the rules. There would be two challengers: herself and her father. There would be 10  ingredients. 5 would be sweet things. 5 would be not-sweet things. I was appointed ingredient master.

On the appointed day, she woke up and immediately set to work decorating the ingredient bags. She then turned them over to me so that I could fill them. I was tasked with making sure no one knew what was in them. Of course then they kept trying to spy on me so I waited a few hours and pretended to do the dishes.

Or rather, I actually DID the dishes but I also filled the bags at the same time. It’s amazing how fast those two can scatter as soon as they hear plates clinking together.  The point is that when the contest started, no one knew what was in them.

I think I did a pretty good job.

I think I did a pretty good job.

Both challengers drew five numbers from a bowl and opened the corresponding bags. They had to make a burrito out of those ingredients using a tortilla and a base of shredded cheese. The burritos would then get warmed up enough to melt the cheese and they would eat them. I honestly couldn’t tell you how to ‘win’ because the whole thing was just really gross. But they had fun so I guess it was worth it?

I don’t know. I’ll let you decide: