Tiffany Pitts

10 Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About Now That I’ve Turned Twenty-Seven!

10 Things I Don’t Give a Fuck About Now That I Know French!

10 Things I No Longer Give a Fuck About Now That I’ve Lost My Arm In a Bar Fight!

(Actually, I think I would read that one.)

We get it. You don’t give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck anymore.  I wholeheartedly support that. But the format is, by necessity, this weird double negative argument that seems like it should be positive thing but ultimately ends up seeming like a list of societal complaints.  “I’m not doing this thing anymore and you can’t make me feel bad about it.”

That’s cool. I mean, I don’t want to be the reason somebody avoids wearing white shorts on labor day or anything. I wouldn’t make anybody wear white shorts, ever. Where do you sit if you go outside?

I’m not going to do that here. Instead, I’m going to list 10 random things I do give a fuck about. I give so many fucks about these things it’s unreal. In fact, if you come between me and number six, I may have to cut you.

So here is an Incomplete List of Things, About Which I Give Many Fucks

1. People who try stuff. I don’t care what you’re trying. Ballet? Yodeling? Bee-keeping? You want to try out some weird shit? I think you should go out there and try some weird shit. Enjoy it. I’m here doing my own weird shit and when I see that you’re doing the same, you better believe I’m giving you a thumbs up.

2. Being polite. Politeness counts. IT FUCKING COUNTS. Tearing into the cashier at the Safeway about ringing your eggs up wrong doesn’t make you right. It makes you a horrible person. You know who else screams until they get their way? Toddlers. Decent people don’t throw tantrums. They don’t talk smack about other people. They don’t publicly shame their kids. And they hold the fucking door to the elevator.

3. Admitting mistakes. It’s not easy and definitely not fun but everyone makes mistakes. That’s what it is to be human. I’ve been there. I’ve fucked up. A lot. And I’ve got 100x more respect for those people willing to stand up and say, “Sorry, that one was on me,” than for those people who never admit to being fallible.

4. People who make art. Kudos to all those people out there that paint. Or draw. Or sculpt or sew or rearrange rocks in pleasing patterns – it doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you’re doing it because you feel compelled to make some art. I especially love when you post pictures of your art on the internet so I can see it. I like seeing what other people have made. It gives me inspiration to do my own thing.

5. People who are super enthusiastic about bizarre hobbies. You refurbish vintage golf carts? Hell yes I want to see the latest one you’ve been working on. While you’re at it, tell me what you know about the vintage golf cart refurbishing business because I can guarantee you I don’t know a thing. And I just realized I’m talking with an expert. I find that fascinating. You keep being you Mr Vintage Golf Cart guy.

6. My dog. Your dog. All the dogs. I’m mostly a dog person but if you’re a cat person I can respect that. I like cats too. In fact, if I’m over at your house and your cat sits on me, I’m totally gonna scratch it behind the ears. And then I’ll probably talk to it just like I talk to my dog. I don’t care if I get covered pet hair.

7. Kids being weird. I friggen’ LOVE It when kids do weird things; trying stuff out just because they can. There’s this one kid in my neighborhood who tears down our hill at least twice a week on his way to school. He runs as fast as he can, arms flailing all over, screaming WOOOOOOOO! all the way down. His poor mom jogs behind him, trying to keep up but she never can. That kid is my hero.

8. Coffee. I’m not even going to cutesy this one up. You know what I’m talking about.

9. Dirt. I love dirt. I love digging holes, moving dirt around, generally hanging out in the yard. Dirt is where it’s at. Did you know that you can grow food in it? Real food that you can eat. Or flowers! Flowers are great because then you get bees and hummingbirds. Man I love bees. Big ol’ fat happy bumble bees are the best. Hummingbirds are good too, although they’re territorial af.

10. Being comfortable. Say you’re coming over to my house for dinner at 5 PM but you don’t want to change out of your yoga pants. You want to know something? I don’t care. If I invite you to my house it means that you and I are friends and I want to hang out with you – not take pot shots at your fashion sense. How could I? I’m usually covered in dirt. We’re just gonna sit on the patio and drink G&Ts anyway so don’t worry about it. I do that in my jimmy-jams sometimes. It’s pretty fun.

So that’s my list. There are tons more things to put on it. My entire family, for example. But not right now because I have a bunch of gravel to move and the dog needs to go outside.